13 Second Guesses

Jadene Sloan Ransdell

January 16, 2026

Recently, I shared that I am working on my second book; this one is about Down syndrome and Alzheimer’s. Part of that work is interviewing some families to learn more about their journey with this dreadful disease. I have heard one message repeatedly from these families, and it’s a message I’ve tried to live by as I raised Matt. This is it:

Don’t question your decisions.

I went to bed last night and woke this morning doing just that – questioning a lot of decisions I’ve made about Matt’s life. Even though I know this isn’t helpful, I have been beating myself up for things I’ve said and done or not done. If you heard the Aging with Down Syndrome podcast episode where I shared the story of Matt and me, you will know that I raised him receiving mixed message of “you are not doing enough for Matt,” and “you spend too much time with Matt at the expense of others.”

In my heart, I know that every decision I have made for Matt was formed with the information I had at that time. And if later I learned more that altered my thoughts, I would own that and shift directions if needed.

I recognize that Matt is moving through this Alzheimer’s diagnosis and life is changing for him. I am questioning whether I am denying what is happening or just trying to hold on to what has been and still create opportunities for him to stay active and involved. I am questioning how I support him and the staff who care for him daily without coming on too strongly or unrealistically.

We had a quarterly meeting with Matt’s team yesterday and I learned of some things that troubled me. That’s when I started questioning a lot of decisions made with and for him. I went deep in my questioning and found myself reconsidering the decision his dad and I made more than twenty-five years ago – that was to let Matt live away from us.

In real time, I am struggling with those mixed messages that have haunted me for decades. As Matt comes to the last chapters in his life I feel I’m not doing enough. That’s when I hear myself thinking I should bring Matt home. I start down a path where I believe I am the only one who can or should be caring for him as he loses more to Alzheimer’s. And then I hear myself thinking, if I brought Matt home, my health would suffer. My ability to be available to Michael (Matt’s brother) and his boys would be diminished. Matt would probably not be happy, either. And, even with paid support in my home, it would be challenging for me to not feel responsible for every moment of Matt’s life. And then I wonder if it’s time to look for a different residential setting, perhaps a group home. Even though we had valid reasons for deciding against that and in favor of supported living, I find myself wondering if that would be better.

I’m working through the internal conflict I’m feeling. I started that work yesterday on a phone call with two members of Matt’s team who understand my heart and can be firm, yet gentle with me. (Thanks, Brian and Michelle!) That was the beginning of moving forward.

This morning, I woke and meditated. I then read a passage from The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo. (Thank you to my friend, Kristin for sending it to me; the timing is perfect!) What I am carrying with me now is the realization that no matter what decisions I make, there will be questions, sometimes conflict with others and within myself.

As I write this I am sitting in my truth! That truth is sometimes confusing and sometimes hard. And that’s OK. At the end of the day, at the end of the chapter we all do what we believe is best for us and those we love. And that’s all we can do. I am giving myself grace to be uncertain, and to look for ways to use that uncertainty to help Matt live fully – however that might be.

I hope by sharing the struggle that I am living, each of you will check in on the struggles you may be facing. Give yourself grace to feel what you feel, to learn more about options for living in your truth and knowing that when you listen to your heart you won’t be steered wrong.

I send light, love, peace, and power to each of you.